The elusive spark!

I had this conversation with one of my friends last night. It's a topic that I have thought of many times before. The spark. I'm talking about THE spark.
You know……….. the one that you feel instantly when you met "the one".














What I'm basically wondering is.......................could it be real??????? Or is it something that we come up with to be able to “reject” someone? “He’s really nice and all but, there just wasn’t a spark”.

I mean……….how many times has it happened that someone you like, likes you back? Instantly?
Yeah people are attracted to each other all the time but that’s not what I’m talking about. People seeing each other and wanting to screw the hell out of each other happens ALL THE TIME! I’m talking about when you meet someone and think “oh, he seems like a nice guy. I’d love to get to know him some more” and a guy thinking the same.
Most of the time you might like a guy and all he thinks about is getting you to bed (if even). Not getting to know YOU!
So that’s where the question comes in to play. Is it something that we trick ourselves in to thinking it’s out there or is it really real?
And if it’s real……….should that be something that I need to hold out for? I mean, if I meet a nice enough guy but I’m not immediately drawn to him………should I not go out with him because there wasn’t that alleged spark? So the whole getting to know someone is crap?
I often hear people say “when I saw him/her I just knew. I just KNEW they were the one”. That’s awesome and all but what if you didn’t KNOW right away. I mean with that thought process I could potentially (and likely) spend the rest of my life by myself (an idea I’m not opposed to, just trying to make sense of everything).
And what does this alleged spark feel like anyways? Is it just like butterflies but on steroids?
Who knows!?!?!?!?!?! Next time I’m in line at the supermarket and I turn around and see an amazing looking man, I will leave it up to my internal organs to dictate my next move………………………..

Old times that still ring true....................

So I am going through the process of going through my clothing. A mini spring cleaning if you will.
So as I empty out a drawer I find an old notebook and in that notebook I find an old poem that I worked on. It's not very good. I wrote it on a whim but when I read it...............well it captured how I'm feeling right now and I thought I should post it.


My own prison is my mind
I try to escape it from time to time
With no success I fail and fail
I've become weak and oh so frail
How do I lose these thoughts? I cannot cope
Somebody please help me, I've lost all hope
These are the thoughts I must accept
These are the memories I look back on with regret
What can I do? I do not know
What can I say? I'm so alone
The love for life I lost, I miss
For how much longer will I feel like this?

Thoughts from a young heart with an aging body

My family is full of ailments. My brother was born premature (my mom was five months pregnant with him when she went in to labor) and he has many medical conditions. He will never be a normal 17 year old kid. He has asthma, he just recently underwent a laser surgery for his legs. He has a condition in his arms that doesn’t allow the blood to flow freely to his hands. Just to name a few.

My brother was a twin. A boy and a girl. My little sister died two days after she was born. It pains me even more now than it ever did.

My sister was born with Blount’s disease. What is Blount’s I’m sure you’re wondering…………………..well………………

Blount's disease Is a growth disorder of the tibia (shin bone) that causes the lower leg to angle inward, resembling a bowleg. (According to wikipedia)

Doesn’t sound as horrible as it actually is. She has been getting surgeries since she was 10. They basically break her bones apart and re-align them. It’s quite harsh. Having screws coming out of her legs. I’ve seen her go through it. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. She’s a trooper…………no doubt about that. She’s also had other conditions here and there that have required medical attention.

So being around all that my mom always felt the needed to tell me how lucky I was because I had no major problem. Well………………aside from stupidity. My mom used to tell me that I should have been born sick and one of my sibling healthy cause the good fortune of good health is wasted on me. Yeah………my mom says stuff like that to me all the time J
I see where she’s coming from though. I was a normal teenager. Which means…………..I rebelled. So to her I am the bad one for those reasons.

But anyways……………..here we are now………..can’t change my siblings conditions. I would gladly trade my health for theirs, in a nano-second. But no matter how much I want to I can’t. But as I am getting older I am realizing that my health concerns were just waiting for me all along. It just wasn’t the right time I guess.
So now I’m faced with these health problems that are starting to come to light and let me tell you. I am scared shitless! I have no idea how to handle this.
No one is immortal. We all know that. But we don’t live like we’re all about to die do we? I don’t that’s for sure. I know that there is an end to this life, we all do……….but when you’re faced with something that challenges your mortality then shit really starts fucking with your head.

So how do I handle this? How do I deal with the fact that my life is going to change whether I like it or not? I have no right to complain!!! Look at what my siblings have gone through and will go through. My complaint has no merit…………………but it doesn’t stop me from feeling scared.

Love life with a CPAP

Guy: Hey, so you wanna spend the night?
Me: Sure, if you let me use an electrical outlet by the bed
Guy: Oooohhhh!!! Of course I will!!!! What are you going to use it for??
Me: I have sleep apnea and I have to take this CPAP machine with me…………so if you wanna get freaky do it before I put on the mask!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time for me to become anorexic!!!!!!!!!