I’m squinting but I can see……………………………

I feel like I’ve had my eyes closed for a long time. I couldn’t and didn’t want to see anything. Then after six long years of having my eyes closed I finally opened them! Opened them wide cause I wanted to take in everything that I’ve been missing out on, only to realize that I opened them too fast and was blinded by all that was to be seen! So I immediately closed my eyes for fear of what I saw! For all that I hadn’t been seeing for such a long time! It was overwhelming and it hurt. My eyes hurt so much that I didn’t want to open them again! And I told myself “Stupid! There is a reason why you’ve kept your eyes closed”.
But then I thought of the glimpses that I caught from when I opened my eyes. And I realized………………….I’ve been missing out……………….allot!
So I decided that I didn’t want to have my eyes closed anymore………..so I opened them slightly………………I’m squinting……………..but I can see now. Before you know it my eyes will open again like before! I can’t wait!

You took the words right out of my heart............

_____________________________________________
From: David
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 11:21 AM
To: Jamie
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

Every heartbeat is a lovesong.

_____________________________________________
From: Jamie
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 11:06 AM
To: David
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

You took the words right out of my heart!

_____________________________________________
From: David
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:57 AM
To: Jamie
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

Me too. Sometimes we get so used to loneliness that it's almost a comfort. A sick sort of comfort, but a comfort. Then there's a break in the loneliness and you think you see a way out, and then… nothing. And the loneliness hurts for a long time before it's comfortable again. Why why??? It's an evil cycle.

_____________________________________________
From: Jamie
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:40 AM
To: David
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

Yes! I’m a loner! Always have been! But yes! Now I’m just lonely :o(

_____________________________________________
From: David
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:39 AM
To: Jamie
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

Mine, too. I think loners at heart notice others. Or maybe the lonely notice the lonely? Or the lonely notice loners because they think they might also be lonely? Are we both loners? I was for years in school. Now I'm just lonely. We could write a whole book on loners.


_____________________________________________
From: Jamie
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:30 AM
To: David
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

LMAO!!! Stalking is fun!!!! Too bad we didn’t get a last name! Then we could have done a google search!!!! Damn!

That is true! Only loners get my attention :o)

_____________________________________________
From: David
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:28 AM
To: Jamie
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

Well, now I'm going to go there every day in the hopes of seeing him again. I'm going full on stalker mode! Gotta replace (name ommited) with someone new.

Maybe he's usually there with people, then we probably wouldn't have noticed him.

Shalom!

_____________________________________________
From: Jamie
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:26 AM
To: David
Subject: RE: Sigh of relief

LMAO!!!!!!!! Yay for not being pregnant!!!!!!!!!!

I remember that text!!!! You felt (insert new word here) the next morning.

Sharing is caring!!!!!!!! :o) Funny how we’ve never seen him there before. Interesting!

_____________________________________________
From: David
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:23 AM
To: Jamie
Subject: Sigh of relief

I finally looked at my texts. Just some silly nonsense stuff. I wonder if finally opening the texts from the night before is like waiting for that blue line to appear or not appear on a pregnancy test. Jamie, I'm not pregnant!

I remember one night I was out and I sent (name ommited) what amounted to a love letter, all by text. That was… damn, what's that new emotion called?

I miss you...........and you don't even exist!

One of my many dreams last night had to do with a baby.

I have a son. A wonderful son that is turning seven next month. That is all I have. That is all I want!
I have never been one to desire children. For years I honestly thought I would ever have one but circumstances change.............people change and I am beyond fortunate to have this little man in my life. I basically gave birth to my heart!
So safe to say that I do not want any more children, of this I am fairly certain. I can't say never cause I said it once and look at what happened.................LOL
I was not blessed with motherly skills and I think I may have exhausted all of me on my son. I honestly do not know how women can have more than one child! My hat goes off to them for they are the true super heroes!

Back to my dream...................so I'm in my living room when I realize I hadn't heard the baby cry in a little while so I went to go check on him. He's quite still and I get near him to make sure he's ok when I realize that his right (my left) eye was bulging open and rolling to the back of his head. I started freaking out trying to get him to come to. He wasn't responsive and his head moved to the side and drool came out of the side of his mouth.
Screaming and crying hysterically I picked him up and ran to the hospital! I ran in there and they took my baby and rushed him to the emergency room.
I look around and I'm alone cause I just ran out of the house without telling anyone. So I started walking back to tell someone.
As I'm walking I'm calling the hospital still crying asking.........no............PLEADING to save my baby.......when all of a sudden...................I wake up.............I look at my son who's sound asleep right next to me and I realize the baby isn't real. And I missed him! The realization that this baby wasn't real was heartbreaking!
I don't think I can even properly convey just how sad it made me that this baby wasn't there for me to hold.
Not that I just wanted to take care of the baby or make sure he was okay. I don't know how to explain it. I was just sad he wasn't real!!!!

So in the dream I had my kiddo that's turning seven..................and this baby.

The baby that has never existed.............the baby that I miss.

Damaged Goods

Urban Dictionary defines it as:

	1) Item/s that were expected to be in good (if not brand new) condition, but were discovered eventually that they weren't. 2)Someone who was once healthy and/or normal but isn't anymore due to unfortunate, traumatic events in his/her life

I define it as ..............................ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once upon a time I was "normal". Once upon a time................... was a long time ago.

This blog will be short. I just wanted to get this out cause..............well I don't know why! I'm sitting here having a bottle of wine to myself and listening to "Pero Me Acuerdo De Ti" by Christina Aguilera on repeat and I just felt a strong urge to get on here.
As if I needed to explain to life that it's not my fault that I am the way I am. It's no my fault I swear.
I used to be able to trust!!! Fully trust! I used to be able to make simple choices without my mind being crowded by the thoughts of "what if" or fear for that matter.

When you're with someone you feel protected.........as if someone is there and it doesn't matter if the entire world turns their back on you because this one person won't! They will protect you and hold you safe in their arms and make you feel as if everything will work out somehow.

The person that I was supposed to turn to to make everything better.................... was the person I had to run from!

I felt I had no one to turn to. I was scared and alone and I won 't go in to details but I have been damaged beyond the point of repair I'm afraid.
And it seems like every time I glue a piece back it gets broken again.

Trust!!!!!! I just can't trust anyone!!! NO ONE!!!! And that hurts me because it makes me feel alone! Alone like I used to be before!!!!!
This feeling of not being able to trust anyone has led me to not even attempt to trust anyone! It's a cycle! A cycle that I am unable to break! It's like I'm wrapped in chains that are padlocked and someone has dropped me in the middle of the ocean. I just keep sinking deeper and deeper! The sad part is that when someone swims by me.............I try to kick them away. I don't want them near me!!! I keep thinking they want to add another chain when they could be trying to help.






















It's not my fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The elusive spark!

I had this conversation with one of my friends last night. It's a topic that I have thought of many times before. The spark. I'm talking about THE spark.
You know……….. the one that you feel instantly when you met "the one".














What I'm basically wondering is.......................could it be real??????? Or is it something that we come up with to be able to “reject” someone? “He’s really nice and all but, there just wasn’t a spark”.

I mean……….how many times has it happened that someone you like, likes you back? Instantly?
Yeah people are attracted to each other all the time but that’s not what I’m talking about. People seeing each other and wanting to screw the hell out of each other happens ALL THE TIME! I’m talking about when you meet someone and think “oh, he seems like a nice guy. I’d love to get to know him some more” and a guy thinking the same.
Most of the time you might like a guy and all he thinks about is getting you to bed (if even). Not getting to know YOU!
So that’s where the question comes in to play. Is it something that we trick ourselves in to thinking it’s out there or is it really real?
And if it’s real……….should that be something that I need to hold out for? I mean, if I meet a nice enough guy but I’m not immediately drawn to him………should I not go out with him because there wasn’t that alleged spark? So the whole getting to know someone is crap?
I often hear people say “when I saw him/her I just knew. I just KNEW they were the one”. That’s awesome and all but what if you didn’t KNOW right away. I mean with that thought process I could potentially (and likely) spend the rest of my life by myself (an idea I’m not opposed to, just trying to make sense of everything).
And what does this alleged spark feel like anyways? Is it just like butterflies but on steroids?
Who knows!?!?!?!?!?! Next time I’m in line at the supermarket and I turn around and see an amazing looking man, I will leave it up to my internal organs to dictate my next move………………………..

Old times that still ring true....................

So I am going through the process of going through my clothing. A mini spring cleaning if you will.
So as I empty out a drawer I find an old notebook and in that notebook I find an old poem that I worked on. It's not very good. I wrote it on a whim but when I read it...............well it captured how I'm feeling right now and I thought I should post it.


My own prison is my mind
I try to escape it from time to time
With no success I fail and fail
I've become weak and oh so frail
How do I lose these thoughts? I cannot cope
Somebody please help me, I've lost all hope
These are the thoughts I must accept
These are the memories I look back on with regret
What can I do? I do not know
What can I say? I'm so alone
The love for life I lost, I miss
For how much longer will I feel like this?

Thoughts from a young heart with an aging body

My family is full of ailments. My brother was born premature (my mom was five months pregnant with him when she went in to labor) and he has many medical conditions. He will never be a normal 17 year old kid. He has asthma, he just recently underwent a laser surgery for his legs. He has a condition in his arms that doesn’t allow the blood to flow freely to his hands. Just to name a few.

My brother was a twin. A boy and a girl. My little sister died two days after she was born. It pains me even more now than it ever did.

My sister was born with Blount’s disease. What is Blount’s I’m sure you’re wondering…………………..well………………

Blount's disease Is a growth disorder of the tibia (shin bone) that causes the lower leg to angle inward, resembling a bowleg. (According to wikipedia)

Doesn’t sound as horrible as it actually is. She has been getting surgeries since she was 10. They basically break her bones apart and re-align them. It’s quite harsh. Having screws coming out of her legs. I’ve seen her go through it. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. She’s a trooper…………no doubt about that. She’s also had other conditions here and there that have required medical attention.

So being around all that my mom always felt the needed to tell me how lucky I was because I had no major problem. Well………………aside from stupidity. My mom used to tell me that I should have been born sick and one of my sibling healthy cause the good fortune of good health is wasted on me. Yeah………my mom says stuff like that to me all the time J
I see where she’s coming from though. I was a normal teenager. Which means…………..I rebelled. So to her I am the bad one for those reasons.

But anyways……………..here we are now………..can’t change my siblings conditions. I would gladly trade my health for theirs, in a nano-second. But no matter how much I want to I can’t. But as I am getting older I am realizing that my health concerns were just waiting for me all along. It just wasn’t the right time I guess.
So now I’m faced with these health problems that are starting to come to light and let me tell you. I am scared shitless! I have no idea how to handle this.
No one is immortal. We all know that. But we don’t live like we’re all about to die do we? I don’t that’s for sure. I know that there is an end to this life, we all do……….but when you’re faced with something that challenges your mortality then shit really starts fucking with your head.

So how do I handle this? How do I deal with the fact that my life is going to change whether I like it or not? I have no right to complain!!! Look at what my siblings have gone through and will go through. My complaint has no merit…………………but it doesn’t stop me from feeling scared.

Love life with a CPAP

Guy: Hey, so you wanna spend the night?
Me: Sure, if you let me use an electrical outlet by the bed
Guy: Oooohhhh!!! Of course I will!!!! What are you going to use it for??
Me: I have sleep apnea and I have to take this CPAP machine with me…………so if you wanna get freaky do it before I put on the mask!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time for me to become anorexic!!!!!!!!!